Personal boundaries or the act of setting boundaries is a life skill that has been popularized by self help authors and support groups since the mid-1980s. Personal boundaries are established by changing one's own response to interpersonal situations, rather than expecting other people to change their behaviors to comply with your boundary. For example, if the boundary is to not interact with a particular person, then one sets a boundary by deciding not to see or engage with that person, and one enforces the boundary by politely declining invitations to events that include that person and by politely leaving the room if that person arrives unexpectedly. The boundary is thus respected without requiring the assistance or cooperation of any other people. Setting a boundary is different from issuing an ultimatum, though ultimatums can be a part of setting boundaries. The term "boundary" is a metaphor, with in-bounds meaning acceptable and out-of-bounds meaning unacceptable. The concept of boundaries has been widely adopted by the counseling profession. Universal applicability of the concept has been questioned.

Usage and application

This life skill is particularly applicable in environments with controlling people or people not taking responsibility for their own life. Co-Dependents Anonymous recommends setting limits on what members will do to and for people and on what members will allow people to do to and for them, as part of their efforts to establish autonomy from being controlled by other people's thoughts, feelings and problems. The National Alliance on Mental Illness tells its members that establishing and maintaining values and boundaries will improve the sense of security, stability, predictability and order, in a family even when some members of the family resist. NAMI contends that boundaries encourage a more relaxed, nonjudgmental atmosphere and that the presence of boundaries need not conflict with the need for maintaining an understanding atmosphere.

Overview

Boundary setting is the practice of openly communicating and asserting personal values as way to preserve and protect against having them compromised or violated. The three critical aspects of managing personal boundaries are: Having healthy values and boundaries is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to a relationship dispute. Values are constructed from a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Jacques Lacan considers values to be layered in a hierarchy, reflecting “all the successive envelopes of the biological and social status of the person” from the most primitive to the most advanced. Personal values and boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. These are sometimes referred to as the 'protection' and 'containment' functions.

Scope

The three most commonly mentioned categories of values and boundaries are: Some authors have expanded this list with additional or specialized categories such as spirituality, truth, and time/punctuality.

Assertiveness levels

Nina Brown proposed four boundary types:

Unilateral vs collaborative

There are also two main ways that boundaries are constructed: Setting boundaries does not always require telling anyone what the boundary is or what the consequences are for transgressing it. For example, if a person decides to leave a discussion, that person may give an unrelated excuse, such as claiming that it is time to do something else, rather than saying that the subject must not be mentioned.

Situations that can challenge personal boundaries

Communal influences

Freud described the loss of conscious boundaries that may occur when an individual is in a unified, fast-moving crowd. Almost a century later, Steven Pinker took up the theme of the loss of personal boundaries in a communal experience, noting that such occurrences could be triggered by intense shared ordeals like hunger, fear or pain, and that such methods were traditionally used to create liminal conditions in initiation rites. Jung had described this as the absorption of identity into the collective unconscious. Rave culture has also been said to involve a dissolution of personal boundaries, and a merger into a binding sense of communality.

Unequal power relationships

Also unequal relations of political and social power influence the possibilities for marking cultural boundaries and more generally the quality of life of individuals. Unequal power in personal relationships, including abusive relationships, can make it difficult for individuals to mark boundaries.

Dysfunctional families

Anger

Anger is a normal emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and emotional response to a perceived provocation. Often, it indicates when one's personal boundaries are violated. Anger may be utilized effectively by setting boundaries or escaping from dangerous situations.